haphpiness

These are things in PHP which make me genuinely_happy();

The Performance Glow-Up

PHP keeps getting faster without you changing a single line of code. Kinsta benchmarked 13 CMSs and frameworks across PHP versions in 2026 — here's what upgrading buys you:

PlatformPHP 7.4PHP 8.2PHP 8.4PHP 8.5
WooCommerce44 req/s55 req/s53 req/s71 req/s
WordPress 6.8139 req/s146 req/s148 req/s148 req/s
Laravel 12730 req/s696 req/s700 req/s
Symfony 7.41,019 req/s993 req/s1,002 req/s
CodeIgniter 4.61,216 req/s1,214 req/s1,874 req/s
Grav 1.8600 req/s586 req/s1,029 req/s
Drupal 101,401 req/s1,391 req/s

Source: Kinsta PHP Benchmarks, 2026 · ApacheBench, 5 runs per config

+61%
WooCommerce: 7.4 → 8.5
+54%
CodeIgniter: 8.4 → 8.5
+71%
Grav: 8.2 → 8.5

WooCommerce jumped from 44 to 71 requests per second — a 61% improvement — just by upgrading PHP. CodeIgniter hit 1,874 req/s on PHP 8.5, a 54% leap from 8.4. Grav nearly doubled. This is free performance. No code changes. Just apt upgrade php.

The JIT compiler introduced in PHP 8.0, combined with continuous Zend Engine optimizations, means PHP gets measurably faster with every version. Your existing codebase benefits automatically.

Significance: Free Speed

In most languages, performance improvements require code changes — new APIs, refactored hot paths, async rewrites. In PHP, you upgrade the runtime and your existing code runs faster. For WooCommerce shops processing real revenue, a 61% throughput increase from a version bump is the difference between scaling comfortably and throwing hardware at the problem.